Die Another Day (2002)

After a mission In North Korea ends in disaster, Bond is captured and held by the Koreans for fourteen months. He is eventually freed in a prisoner exchange but is suspected of compromising American agents. He must prove his innocence.

The bullet coming down the gun barrel at the very start of the film heralds that this will be something different. Too true. This has to be one of the worst Bond movies, if not the worst. More than that, it’s one of the worst movies ever made.

It’s difficult to know where to start. There is no one real source for why this is such an unmitigated disaster. You have a facile, flat and uninteresting script by Neal Purvis and Robert Wade. Lee Tamahori’s direction is all over the place with occasional visual flourishes that add nothing. Danny Kleinman’s opening sequence includes scenes of Bond being tortured- with the garish graphics and Madonna’s dreadful theme, I can sympathise.

Of the main performances, it’s only really Pierce Brosnan and Judi Dench who come out of it looking good. Halle Berry does the best with what she has but the character- despite being an NSA agent- is bland. Toby Stephens is slimy and obnoxious as billionaire Gustav Graves, an irritating posh boy who you just want to slap. The fencing scene between Bond and Graves comes off as a macho pissing contest which is incredibly tedious. Rosamund Pike is fairly dull as double-agent Miranda Frost and I’ve seen better chemistry between garden gnomes than between her and Bond.

So many visual effects fall flat, especially the Aston Martin Vanquish (a.k.a. the invisible car). The scene where Bond rescues Jinx from the lasers is just completely ludicrous and the whole sorry affair reaches its nadir with the CGI wave-surfing

As this was released in the fortieth anniversary year, there are a lot of nods to previous Bond adventures. Some are subtle (such as the birdwatchers guide which Ian Fleming took the name of his secret agent from) and others not (Halle Berry coming out of the sea in an orange bikini, an obvious homage to Ursula Andress). There is some entertainment value had in noticing all these but it’s scant consolation for a film that makes even Thunderball look good.

Rating: 1 out of 5

Tez

Countdown: The Watchers' 10 Worst Henchmen

Some henchmen (and henchwomen) are loyal, efficient, ruthless and occasionally terrifying; they may be the blunt tools but they do it in style. Sadly, this shower of ineffective miscreants would make even the most distant megalomaniacal supervillains get their own hands dirty.

For your consideration, The Watchers' 10 Worst Henchmen

1. THE THREE BLIND MICE
(played by three uncredited actors in Dr. No)

There's something borderline offensive about these three assassins misappropriating a physical disability as a means to murder someone. Much like the slightly racist portrayal of Julius No, the attitudes of the time may be writ large across the film- but that doesn't mean we have to like it.






2. ZAO
(played by Rick Yune in Die Another Day)

The only thing differentiating Zao from any other hired thug are the diamonds in his face. That's it.

3. NECROS
(played by Andreas Wisniewski in The Living Daylights)

Bond henchmen are supposed to be menacing, exuding an air of danger. They are not supposed to be dressed up as milkman and use exploding milk bottles.






4. TEE-HEE
(played by Julius H. Harris in Live And Let Die)

The laugh isn't sinister. It's just annoying. Adding a prosthetic claw doesn't add to the menace either. Another example of lazily equating the villains with being physically disabled.







5. BLOFELD'S ANGELS OF DEATH
(played by various in On Her Majesty's Secret Service)

They come under this list due to the utter ridiculousness of Blofeld's plan in this film; even as Bond villain plans go, it's an absolute nonsense and- as such- the unwitting pawns deserve to go on the list.

6. GOBINDA
(played by Kabir Bedi in Octopussy)

Big. Dumb. Lots of muscle but no brain. An archetypal thuggish henchman. Nothing to get excited about.




 
7. MIRANDA FROST

(played by Rosamund Pike in Die Another Day)

Duplicitous snake-in-the-grass. So far, so-so. There's more sexual chemistry between garden gnomes than there is between Frost and Bond. Kick-ass fight at the end with Jinx, though.

8. MR. STAMPER
(played by Gotz Otto in Tomorrow Never Dies)

Again, an identikit Bond henchman. Blonde, muscly, slight tendency towards violence; a carbon copy of 'Red' Grant but, sadly, with a tenth of his charisma.

9.  RENARD
(played by Robert Carlyle in The World Is Not Enough)

As soon as Elektra is revealed as the mastermind behind the plot, Renard quickly reverts to the 'standard henchman' role; a shame because he's been pretty good up to that point.






10. MAY-DAY
(played by Grace Jones in A View To A Kill)

Completely out there (much like Ms Jones herself), May-Day's outrageousness- skydiving off the Eiffel Tower, for example- strikes a slightly jarring note in the film, although she's still pretty cool.







There seems to be stiff competition for this list. Who would you put on? Let us know in the comments below.

Countdown: The Watchers' 10 Worst Bond Villains

Sadly, just as not every Bond film can be a Goldfinger, not every Bond villain can be a Scaramanga. Several of the threats that Bond has faced during his illustrious career are about as threatening as a ride on the Teacups and instil about as much fear as a three month old kitten. Here, then, are The Watchers' 10 Worst Bond Villains.


1. GUSTAV GRAVES
(played by Toby Stephens in Die Another Day)

As written, Graves comes across as a bland posh boy whose utter arrogance comes across as deeply annoying. That's before you factor in the bizarre gene therapy and space laser stuff. Stephens sadly can't do much to redeem such a fundamentally unlikeable character.





2. KAMAL KHAN
(played by Louis Jourdan in Octopussy)

When we were coming up with this countdown, we were both unable to remember this character's name- so we called him 'the villain from Octopussy'. When the best you can come up with is a vague description of a character, it doesn't bode well.

3. CARL STROMBERG
(played by Curt Jurgens in The Spy Who Loved Me)

It's a shame that The Spy Who Loved Me- such a strong film- is cursed with such a weak villain. Stromberg's plan is standard nuclear apocalypse fare and the underwater lair seems ridiculous- even if we do get the underwater Lotus as a result.





4. DR. JULIUS NO
(played by Joseph Wiseman in Dr. No)

Whilst not as bad as some other portrayals in the 1960s (Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany's, I'm looking at you) there's something slightly racist about the portrayal of No in the film- he is half-Chinese, half-German- which severely colours any attempts at making him a credible villain.





5. ERNST STAVRO BLOFELD
(played by Charles Gray in Diamonds Are Forever)

Gray is an exceptional character actor, but sadly his performance as Blofeld is flawed. He just doesn't have the menace of Pleasance or the charm of Savalas. He isn't even bald. Plus, the whole scene in drag (whilst funny) is utterly unnecessary.





6. DOMINIC GREENE
(played by Mathieu Amalric in Quantum Of Solace)

Whilst having an environmentalist as a villain is a neat trick, Greene- like Le Chiffre- is never really a major threat due to the Quantum connection. Amalric's performance is entirely underwhelming as well.





7. ARIS CHRISTATOS
(played by Julian Glover in For Your Eyes Only)

Another example of a strong film being landed with a weak villain. Christatos is a standard Russian double agent, which we've seen in the Bond franchise previously and done much better








8. GENERAL BRAD WHITTAKER
(played by Joe Don Baker in The Living Daylights)

Whittaker's as mad as a box of frogs with a Napoleon complex which should make for an interesting character. Sadly he just seems like a tinpot crackpot wannabe-dictator which is difficult to take seriously.






9. LE CHIFFRE
(played by Mads Mikkelsen in Casino Royale)

Crying blood is interesting but it doesn't do an awful lot to differentiate Le Chiffre from many of the other identikit 'sinister businessmen' that Bond has confronted over the years. Plus, Le Chiffre isn't as big a threat as he first seems as he's having his strings pulled by Quantum.

10. LARGO
(played by Adolfo Celi in Thunderball)

Just dull. A dull villain in a dull film (It should be pointed out that this is only Tez's opinion of the film and the villain and not a unilateral one).








So who would you put in this Rogues' Gallery of underwhelming threats to 007? Telly Savalas' Blofeld? Whittaker's compatriot General Koskov, or perhaps Kamal's partner-in-crime Orlov? Let us know in the comments below.

Next week, we countdown the Ten Worst Bond Henchmen.

Favourite And Least Favourite Bond Themes - Tez's Choices

One of the essential parts of any Bond film is the theme song. In the week that it was confirmed that Adele has recorded the theme song for Skyfall, it seems a good time to discuss my five favourite and five least favourite of the Bond themes so far (I haven't ranked them; they're done in chronological order)

FAVOURITE SONGS

• 'Diamonds Are Forever' (Shirley Bassey)

As queen of the Bond theme (three to date), Dame Shirl would have to be here somewhere. It was a real toss-up between this and 'Moonraker' but my affection for the film Diamonds Are Forever snuck it. There's something so gloriously OTT and camp about the song which fits nicely with the film to follow.

• 'Live And Let Die' (Paul McCartney & Wings)

Recently voted the nation's favourite Bond theme (according to listeners of Radio 2), so who am I to argue? The guitars are fantastic and the rock-y nature of the song is a marked contrast from the power ballads and love songs of 60s and early 70s Bond.

• 'Nobody Does It Better' (Carly Simon)

This is a beautifully written song, beautifully sung and a song which has transcended the Bond theme origin to become a love song in its own right.

• 'License To Kill' (Gladys Knight)

There is an undeniable strength and passion to Knight's voice which suits this most powerful of power ballads. Knight's voice is just truly sublime, making this a strong entry to the Bond theme collection.

• 'GoldenEye' (Tina Turner)

 
Sinuous and slightly sensual, Turner's voice is a perfect match for the song written by Bono & The Edge from U2, providing not only a fantastic opening to the new chapter of the Bond franchise- but a fantastic opening to Tina's concerts too!


LEAST FAVOURITE SONGS

• 'The Man With The Golden Gun' (Lulu)

Lulu blares it out and even the innuendo-laden lyrics are grating and lacking in any kind of charm. Plus this is the worst kind of earworm which just nests in your head and won't go, no matter how many times you sing 'Bohemian Rhapsody' to try and dislodge it.

• 'For Your Eyes Only' (Sheena Easton)

To think that this song was nominated for an Oscar is an affront to good music. Weak, whiny and bland- and that's as much to do with the lyrics as the way they're sung. A shame that such a good film is laden with such a bad theme.

• 'All Time High' (Rita Coolidge)

Much like 'For Your Eyes Only', I find this an insipid, weak dirge. Bond themes should grab you by the throat, not timidly tap you on the shoulder like this one does. Even a surprise rendition of it in Ted (by Mark Wahlberg) does nothing to redeem it.

• 'Die Another Day' (Madonna)

Utter tripe. Disposable pop nonsense. Haven't got much else to say about it. Awful, awful, awful.

• 'Another Way To Die' (Jack White & Alicia Keys)

It's not a bad song per se and it kind of grows on you but it doesn't really fit with the film. There's something slightly discordant about it as well which doesn't quite sit right as a song in its own right either.

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So those are my choices, my opinion on my favourite and least favourite Bond themes. Feel free to agree or disagree and let me know your favourites and least favourites in the comments below. 

Tez

(PS. Rhys will share his choices of his favourite and least favourite Bond themes on the week that the new Bond theme is released.)